Weekender- Because Pandas Don't Eat Onions, Except in a 2-Entree Plate of Kung Pao Chicken and Beijing Beef

Collected weekender magazine headlines from the ongoing e-mail series- for those lazy Sundays in the tree. Feel free to add.

Wednesday Roundy

In the mundane smalltalk and everyday discussions we partake in, or overhear, nearly everyday you hear someone ask someone else if they saw last night's episode of "So you think your fat kid can dance with talent for his idol while john and kate watch the bachelor?".

The other party either shows an exuberance he or she has never shown in your presence (after all, you're at work), has it dvr'd and asks that no one talk about it, or is a rounge member and tells the person asking to STFU cause I was out getting sh_thoused and raging it up, as you should be.

It is towards this end that I'd like to propose that everyone weigh in on the biggest television phenomon that you have absolutely no interest in and wouldn't watch even if the alternative is to never taste the ambrosia that is a Smuttynose Porter, or listen to the fine tunes of early 90's rap group Smif & Wessun, ever again.

For my money, I can't think of anything dumber, more dragged out, or less believable as the promos, hearsay, and teasers I see for Lost. Yes, there are cases to be made for all the reality crap on TV, but I'm led to believe that at least those people have self awareness that they are putting themselves out there to be ridiculed, or that at least the show knows they're exploiting them...and there's even some unintentional humor (how do you look at Ryan Seacrest and not laugh and think he's definitely the guy in your grade school that had a sticker collection?).

So, back to my contention. * = premise of show, @ = my commentary.

* Lost, as far as I can tell, is about people who survive a plane crash
@That, right there, is not believable. Who in the hell survives plane crashes? Karma even caught up to DJ AM.
* They are then stranded on a tropical island
@Wtf didnt' the plane just land on the beach then? and wtf happened to the black box? wouldn't they be found immediately? it's not the 1400's where you send conquistadores out to explore foreign lands. we have freaking satellites and sht.
* They are stranded on a tropical island after a plane crash and they don't kill the dark guy
@Look, I'm someone who gets racially profiled on planes all the time. Let's just say, in this situation, I know my fate. Be realistic, Lost.
* I guess I could get on board with this being a one season show about the trials and tribulations these people go through
@But as far as I can tell, this show has been on for approximately 19 seasons (I think the Simpsons are worried). Shouldn't the arc be: all leave on happy trip, plane crash, island survival, get rescued, go home?
* Next thing I know, there's some Monster chasing people around
@wtf, I thought this was about a plane crash? And if there's nothing on the island, wtf does the Monster eat? He was just hibernating waiting for a plane crash? Seriously, how did this last more than one season? and how does anyone have a freaking gun on the island? wouldn't that guy be suspect #2 (behind aforementioned bretheren) for guy responsible for plane crash? oh, and speaking of monsters on islands, Where the Wild Things Are looks mfking awesome.
* Last thing I heard before effectively lighting myself on fire, there's a G*ddamn Time Machine
@I don't even have the energy to address this ridiculousness. Monsters, Time Machines...KY ABC. Monsters and Time Machines?? on a show about a plane crash? isn't that like if they started working in Unicorns and Vampires in on Gossip Girl? Ok, those might actually be themes in Gossip Girl but I don't think anyone cares because of Blake Lively. Lost, get Blake Lively and I'm on board with Monsters and Time Machines. Till then, get out of my stupid face.

So that's my ridiculous televeision sensation I just cannot and never will get on board with.

Rounge, join me at the table :)

POOF. thanks Huevos

Redux

Ratings are down, so I thought we could install a semi-regular feature whereby people can post misc. comments that could have been replies to previous posts but were just thought of now. Because the problem with commenting in the old post is that nobody ever sees it.

TG and Queso, circa 2013

i think the bar for worst post ever has just been lowered. htf it only 3:00 on tuesday? smif.

Case of the Mondays

holy smif it's gonna be a rough week.

can we collectively come up with incentives to get us through? like a cng before the poofy weather comes in right in time for the weekend?

also, I propose matching aqua sweaters but all with different spins (tg - turtlenectk, lupa - sweater vest/sleeveless, dilla - argyle, changa - mock neck, squid - 6 arm slots, etc)...why? why not?

Top Ten: Random Pizza Toppings...

Came up briefly in that e-mail, I figured what the hell...

That's the Triple P: pepperoni, pat buchanan and parmagiana.

Rounge Gathering? Roo-2 on 9/24 at Giants Stadium

Helllll-ro. Any Rounge-arians want to see U2 tomorrow, Thursday, 24SEP2009? I have absolutely no tickets, no prospects for tickets, knowledge on start time, parking info, etc. I imagine that free market capitalism in the form of dollars will settle this. Don't make me be the creepy, nearly-30 dude jamming by himself like Michael Scott at an Alicia Keys concert.

EDUCATING QUESO

Good luck Queso, enjoy learning!!!

Michael Jackson's Penguin Dance

Leaked Jackson Penguin Clip

What the F? Jacko's final, signature move is The Penguin? A flightless bird is how Jacko wanted to go out on top? No ostrich? Emu? Kiwi?

I kinda miss Jacko b/c his psychoses made me feel so much saner. Alrighty, gotta go put some Cleaning, Lubricating, Preventative (CLP) on my guns. This humidity is a fertile breeding ground for rust. Rust kills guns. Guns kill people. Rust doesn't kill people....except in large doses.

Caption Contest

What urgent message is Mark Whitacre (Matt Damon) relaying?
(click pic for widescreen shot)

Top Ten Archive

14:01:39 QUESO : top ten inappropriate question lupa asks on a school tour?
14:01:39 LUPA FIASCO : rater
14:01:45 LUPA FIASCO : ok
14:01:47 LUPA FIASCO : I'll wait
14:01:53 LUPA FIASCO : quickly please
14:01:59 LUPA FIASCO : 10. Where's the bar
14:02:01 CHANGA : rater
14:06:27 DILLA : 9. Does the PTA newsletter have personals?
14:06:52 CHANGA : 8.are the teachers 18 and over?
14:07:41 DILLA : 7. Do you have any openings for a pet snake?
14:09:22 TACO GRANDE : 6. How do I sign up for the reading classes?
14:10:54 CHANGA : 5.do u offer pig latin as part of ur curriculum?
14:11:01 DILLA : 4. I was pre-med at OSU, wanna play doctor?
14:11:20 CHANGA : 3.do u offer ebonics as part of ur curriculum?
14:12:22 QUESO : 2. "________ snake _____ pants?"
14:13:28 DILLA : 1. Once my kid gets in here i am done with my wife, what do you say i get your #??
14:15:38 QUESO : and lupa's 10 doesn't count. 10. How can I get Ryan into the accelerated GED program?
14:17:19 TACO GRANDE : when top tens hit 1 but there are worthy followups, you can go into negative territory
14:19:40 QUESO : do you have a 0 or 1?
14:19:47 QUESO : -1 rather
14:20:12 TACO GRANDE : 0. Where's the little boys room?
14:21:13 QUESO : -1. can we implement a 'must wear school girl outfit rule' for everyone?
14:24:07 CHANGA : -2. did u say there's an opening for coach of the girls gymnastics team?

Original Rounge Top Ten Archive

10:35:26 QUESO : top ten names of tg's friends that he hasn't told us yet:
10:35:29 QUESO : 10. anteater
10:35:45 DILLA : mudskipper
10:35:49 DILLA : *9.
10:36:38 QUESO : 8. Friday
10:37:01 *** LUPA rang the bell
10:37:01 *** LUPA rang the bell
10:37:01 *** LUPA rang the bell
10:37:01 *** LUPA rang the bell
10:37:01 *** LUPA rang the bell
10:37:01 *** LUPA rang the bell
10:37:02 *** LUPA rang the bell
10:37:02 *** LUPA rang the bell
10:37:06 LUPA : well said Queso
10:37:52 TACO GRANDE : 7. French Fry
10:38:28 CHANGA : 7. nutella
10:38:39 CHANGA : 6.*
10:38:47 DILLA : 5. Mufasa
10:39:35 CHANGA : 4. tyrone
10:39:54 TACO GRANDE : 3. Jigglypuff
10:40:18 CHANGA : carrot top
10:40:21 CHANGA : 2.
10:40:42 DILLA : 1. Burrito Supreme
10:41:18 LUPA : 0. Taco not-so-grande
10:41:36 DILLA : erin interviews aunt jemima (sic)
10:41:41 LUPA : lol
10:41:44 *** LUPA rang the bell
10:41:44 *** LUPA rang the bell
10:41:44 *** LUPA rang the bell
10:41:44 *** LUPA rang the bell
10:41:51 *** CHANGA rang the bell
10:42:08 DILLA : and how is the recession effecting bfast globally??
10:42:15 CHANGA : color on the syrup demand and pancake business
10:42:21 *** LUPA rang the bell
10:42:21 *** LUPA rang the bell
10:42:21 *** LUPA rang the bell
10:42:22 *** LUPA rang the bell
10:42:22 *** LUPA rang the bell
10:42:23 *** LUPA rang the bell
10:46:06 QUESO : -1. stay puft

MacTemps Case Analysis [redacted]

[redacted]

Who wants a mustache ride?

My God, my God almighty. Look at this man's mustache. Look at the redneck over the Governor's left shoulder. I have difficulty hazarding whose is worse. Did one of Paterson's aides tell him that that's the style? Is this a multi-year trick on the man? To channel Erasmus, in the land of the seeing, the blind man is king.

Find mustaches that are worse, Rounge-o-philes. Go!

Rounge Weekend Drink

WTF is it? I want something, but I'm not sure what. I have some Harpoon Oktoberfests, but what else is there? Something strong, but don't want to be knocked out after one. Thoughts? Moby?

Alas, tomorrow is once again talk like a pirate day. Anyone up for a CNG and see what crawls out of yee old bung hole. Arrgghhh!!!

A Dead Horse Worth Beating?

Joel Waul of Florida presents the largest rubber band ball, weighing 9,032 pounds.

Update: World Record BROKEN

Anthony Victor of India has hair measuring 7.12 inches sprouting from the center of his outer ears.

Awesomeness...Is It Too Awesome?

TG and I were just discussing...was the awesomeness that was Lehman Brothers ruin work life for us for the rest of our lives? Will our lives suck cause we know we'll never be in a place as cool/fun/mfking cash money as LEHMQ? Are we just masking our lives hoping that where we are will make us something we are not?

It's like having sx with Kate Beckinsale, it's all down hill from there, isn't it? The only salvation is the hope of the next Powerball drawing enabling me to race Dilla in our respective yachts to Turks and Caicos.

Also, non sequitur top ten: Most heinous common to semi-common female names:

10) Louise

TOP TEN!!!

Top Ten things the Lehman Brothers would have spent the money on had they received a capital infusion 1 year ago:

10) Intricately packaged Panda Backed Securities (PBS) to sell to China in exchange for new fully fungible Panda Currency

RONG RIVE REHMAN!!!!

Happy Anniversary, Shoguns. Special shout out to Dick "The Tortilla" Fuld, the most famous TBL member. TBL LIVES FOREVERRRRRRR.

We will get through this together.

Wollllllllverines!!!

Swayze is dead. This is ever so profoundly saddening. Hopefully as the cancer progressed through his body like a Chinese human wave attack, he was able to film a cameo for the upcoming Red Dawn remake. Hail and farewell. In the words of your movie father, "AVENGE ME, BOYS. AAAAVVVVVENNNNGE ME!"

WELCOME BACK TO WORK CHANGE!!!

Would like to point out Changa's lucky penguin on top of his monitor as well as his 'Day Trading for Dummys' which has been reincarnated as a booster seat to give him the perfect angle to price some risk.

YOU LIE!!!

Let's face it - you and me are all a bunch of fking rejects. If we were sitting down during one of those incredibly painful, holier-than-thou sanctimonius bullsht speeches from our President, one of us would break down and yell something stupid. So instead of judging that guy who's name is not worth googling again, let's try and empathize with him.

TOP TEN OUTBURSTS FROM ROUNGETABLE MEMBERS AT CRITICAL MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESS

10. Squid, in high pitch voice with pre-laughter threatening to break down the whole statement: "That's what SHE said!!!"

KY immediately

STFU and GKY Tila T. and Brett Favre. Also ky Melanie Oudin, be better next time. Anyone else I'm forgetting?

HTF.

As I stare listfully off into the distance, I can't help but wonder HTF it's only Thursday? And wonder HTF I'm going to get drunk tonight? And HTF I'm going to get to work tomorrow past all the 9/11 ceremonies. And HTF I'm gonna stop myself from drilling some conspiracy theorist (I'm looking at you, Charlie Sheen...Two and a Half Men ain't good enough to allow you to be so moronic, go to Scientology with the rest of the jiggy celebrities).

Honestly, KM. HTF can I do this for years to come? Can SOMEONE win the lottery and/or come up with a zillion dollar idea so me and Dilla can race yachts? is that too much to ask?

I officially call for movie script idea generation. HTF can we not get rich with this brain power/hilarity? HTF?

Roungorico?!

Time for the first ever Rounge trip (Rip?)?
Roungorico or Rounge Republic? Set new so drnk records? Cats playing with Dogs? KM?
Would make for great fodder to add to the Rounge video montage.

Who's coming and where are we going? I don't care as long as we up the panda quotient and get weird with each other.

Other places to consider: Bronx Zoo, TG's Patio, Costa Rica, Chile, Huevos' 1 bedroom in Chi-town, Grimace's trailer in Mizzou, and Ricardo's battle shelter (free guns).

"The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated."

It is true. On Saturday, I left the BC 54-0 blowout mid-game to resume tailgating, but the Bostoncollegenfaghensthal Secret Police wouldn't let me back on Shea Field to continue the festivities. Bumfuzzled, I walked to Mary Ann's, some 3/4 mile from campus.

On the walk back from Mary Ann's around the Reservoir, I may/may not have been veering into the road a little bit. A cab clipped me, spun me around and I fell on my arse. A crowd gathered. The cab didn't so much as stop. A trooper came over and in light of my bleeding and drunkenness, called for a bus. So the ambulance took me to St. E's where I spent the next several hours. They wouldn't let me leave while drunk. My bum is sore and I have a few cuts/scrapes.

Finally at 1am, I put my clothes on, turned the monitors to silent when I took them off, pulled out my IV and started strolling out the door. The nurses could see I was leaving one way or another and I signed some papers and took off. They weren't thrilled I pulled my IV.

In the words of Will Ferrell in Elf, "The yellow ones don't stop."

WTFIEDTW?

I think we should have an Indian food/so drnk routting some time this week...Wed or Thurs? fk it, even Friday? In the spirit of Red Pandas, the rounge should Jai Hind it up.

Changa just got back from Cancun...pandamonium??

CnG tonight!

I am CnGing tonight should any of you want to join. By any of you, I only mean Grimace, as our spatulas once crossed paths. Menu on tap:

- Nathan's Hot Dogs

- Pepperidge Farm Side Sliced Buns (remember when I used to prefer top sliced? How silly.)

- Gulden's Spicy Brown Mustard (impromptu round table debate - yellow or brown mustard? If you say yellow, SYIF)

- Lay's Classic Potato Chips

- Shirley Temples, Dark 'n Stormys (for realz), Old Fashioneds

Almost time to get drizzy

Wishing everyone a happy labor day weekend drinking Manhattans, and Lupa a wonderful weekend watching Maid in Manhattan.

If I make it past noon today without SMIFing myself, I will drink many beverages/fk up some short bus kids.

Signature Drinks

I hearby declare that each and every member of the Roungetable have a signature drink, and that each said member should drink said signature drink as much as possible and report their experiences after imbibing several such drinks. Members of the roungetable should nominate drinks for themselves and for others until we have a clearly defined list of members and drinks.

TG/Clubber - Gin n Juice: I enjoy gin, particularly Hendrick's and Plymouth, so I feel either of these mixed with some kind of "juice" - muddled cucumber and soda for Hendricks, maybe iced tea/lemonade for Plymouth.

Grimace - Gimlet (two G's) or Crown n Peach

Queso - Dark and Stormy (physical and emotional qualities)

Dilla - Mojito (could have reprised Don Johnson's role in Miami Vice better than Colin Farrell, especially given sideburns)

Lupa - Long Island Iced Tea (sorta gy, but still strongly alcoholic, plus aversion to Long Island)

Squid - Shirley Temple (no explanation needed)

Changa - White Russian (sorta mix of white and dark like any panda worth its bamboo)

Shout Out to Dilla

it's his Friday, and we are all living in a jealous rage. I think it's time to propose the official rounge weekend drink.

Now that Fall is damn near upon us, I think it's time to bring back the Manhattan (with Woodford Reserve). Any thoughts/objections?

Open invite for the famous Queso Manhattan to all.

LUPA KNOWS GOLF

Lets make a Top Ten of this, top ten inappropriate things Lupa will say while referencing his golf game today

U.S. Open Top Ten!!

Wednesday Roundtable Squeeze-On: Best Food-Themed Show on Television

Lunchtime again, and my mind is wandering to food. Perhaps I'm the only one here (although I doubt it), but one of my favorite tv channels is Food Network (FN, or sometimes, FN HD). My favorite two times to watch FN are: (1) while I make a weekday dinner in the kitchen, I put it on in the background in the living room, and (2) Saturday afternoons, while trying to come up with ideas for what to grill for dinner. Some of the shows are instructional, entertaining and inspiring, but others make me want to SMIF so that the last "Bam!" I will ever have to hear will be from a .22 pistol.

I tend to place shows into one of three categories: (1) instructional, for the do-it-at-home chef (often varying levels of difficulty depending on the cook's experience and time available to devote to one meal), (2) competition shows (i.e. Throwdown w/ Bobby Flay, Iron Chef, Top Chef, Next FN Star, FN Challenge, Hell's Kitchen, etc.), and (3) restaurant, travel, or discovery oriented shows, which may share stuff like the best taquerias in Baltimore, how Dippin' Dots are made, or, for some reason, a stupid ass show called Ace of Cakes which is essentially a poofy version American Chopper with cakes.

I tend to find that the 3rd category of shows is the least engaging; Mark Summers should stick to Double Dare, and I really don't care to watch Guy Fieri eat a cheesesteak while wearing a stupid frosted tips hairdo and upside down and backwards sunglasses. I also don't take much interest in the competition shows; that's what sports are for, you nancy boys. However, category 1, the informational, how-to shows, can be awesome. I have frequently used recipes, or parts of recipes, from shows like Boy Meets Grill and Barefoot Contessa to make awesome meals at home (although I somewhat detest Michael Chiarello, for his general poofiness and Sonoma lifestyle).

The food tv personality who makes the food which I'm most inclined to make at home has gotta be Bobby Flay, particularly what he makes on Boy Meets Grill. I also like the show Good Eats, because I find that the zaniness of Alton Brown drives my roommate out of the living room so that I can actually turn on the Cardinals game without complaint. Those are probably my favorite two shows, with honorable mentions going to Everyday Italian (for obvious reasons), Molto Mario (is that even on anymore?), and Barefoot Contessa. People who can gfy: Rachael Ray, Michael Chiarello, Emeril, the Neelys, and Sandra Lee.

That's what I've got for now, anyone else have an opinion?

Infrographic: The Bar Gave It To Me

KM

I will be seeing Maria Sharipova tonight/getting so drnk. Will probably puke massive amounts of fritos and subsequently get her #. That is the plan anyway. WTF is everyone doing this week and why has it been so quiet?

Also, please hop up out of bed and turn your swag on in order to come prepared with a good Roundtable topic tomorrow. The future of the rounge/my life depends on it.

SHHHH....I"M HUNTING PANDA

Changa, Need a routing. Call the ball.