Top Ten: Go Flog Yourself!

In honor of Little Larry Sellers, whose dad wrote 156 episodes of Branded but is flunking Social Studies, the Top Ten+ Basic Cable edits of R-rated movie lines of all time. And yes, I've been saving/searching for a while and already have nine to start us off...

Top Ten!!! (Halloween episode)

Top Ten things to look forward to this Halloween...

10. TG - Finally has excuse to dress up as the Indian Chief from Village People and parade around the Meatpacking District. (Fabulous!)

Sliding Doors

Today, I was walking out of my apartment and the door had closed behind me and I actually turned around, reopened it, and walked back in to get my umbrella even though it wasn't raining out. It was the opposite of the Harold and Kumar Moment when Roldy realizes he left his cell phone at his apartment but was already 4 steps away from the door and says no, "we've gone too far".

Anyway, it wasn't raining, I was kinda pissed, and then I got downtown to the giant hole in the ground by where I work and it was absolutely pouring. I'm wearing a suit for Nobu tonight, and had I not had an umbrella there is a greater than 125% chance I'd have killed myself today.

For better or worse, that quick decision to turn around and grab an umbrella (thin slicing for you Gladwell fans out there) ironically led to my continued misery in living life, though kept me happy and unwet (my people are like mogwais) for the morning.

I would like to propose a new daily feature to the rounge in which someone discusses their "Sliding Doors" moment, in which something seemingly inoccuous changed the course of their day/life/ability to get so drnk. Today, because I haven't yet jumped from a building, I will enjoy at least 5 manhattans tonight and a margarita and a few beers.

Tomorrow, I will be back to a normalized KM ratio of 98:2. SMIF.

Thursday Roundy

I hide no feelings about my love of chocolate. It could be my skin tone that has helped me develop this particular affinity, but then wouldn't I want my food to be really big and attractive? Wait, that makes sense too. Ok, so yeah, I like my food like me: Spicy, hot, potent, and usually hilarious.

Back to the point, chocolate is awesome and kill yourself if you're allergic. it goes on damn near anything (except sour patch kids). Cheese? check. Nuts? check. Bacon? Tell me you wouldn't try it. Hell, it's even good on a banana. And god help you if you haven't tried the hot chocolate at Godiva.

Basically, don't do anything stupid with chocolate and you will be rewarded with a wonderful sensation in your mouth and general happiness in life.

That brings us to the nefarious people at Nestle, who decided that their delicious products of which no one had found fault, needed to be expanded on. They invented the Raisinet, which to me is like inventing Ice-9. And the populists today have the chutspa to say WALL STREET SEEKS EXCESS? At least at Lehman we wrapped up crappy mortgages with other crappy mortgages. Nestle made you think that hey, this looks chocolatey, it must be awesome...and BAM, in your stupid face is a mfking RAISIN!

If someone asked me what's the worst food in the world, I would immediately, and without hesitation, reply "raisin". no, I'd say "MFKING RAISINS" and I'd immediately puke then punch you in the stupid face for making me think about them. And movie theatres have decided to ubiquitously place them in their theatres and charge money for them when they really should be placed next to the defibrilator for use of stomach pumping. And god forbid you go with someone else and you have Goobers (which are awesome) and they have Raisinets and you get mixed up. Oh, and the look like rabbit feces.

How could one candy be so bad? How could they ruin chocolate, Ambrosia's ambrosia? I'd dive into a chocolate volcano if I could, but now i'd have reservations because what if raisins where in there?

Raisinets are the Sarah Jessica Parker of Candy. Yeah, I said it. Eat it, horsefaces.


What's your least favorite candy bar?

Lacking Eloquence

I lack the ability to speak/type coherently this morning because i'm so drnk, but I still wanted to share. So, Enjoy:

http://coedmagazine.com/2009/10/14/wags-of-the-2009-mlb-league-championship-series/

Top Ten!!!

Top Ten Folksy Names for Non Franchised Artsy Stores:

10) Scented Candle Store : "In the Wick of Thyme"

Rarrrrrrr!

Herrrrrrr-ro, everybody. While the symbiotic confluence of the Rounge and pandas is still not entirely clear to me, one thing is for sure --- pirate pandas are an unstoppable killing force hellbent on world domination. Rarrrrrr!!

wtf is rounge? - retort

I understand the rounge has been absent as of late, but who could look away when changa is having such a good time trading. He is the Favre of programs, he gets older but the game never does!!

wtf is rounge?

Wake up, sleepyheads. Impromptu Top Ten!!!!!!

Top Ten Items from Childhood Roungers Still Have:

10. TG: A-Team themed bed sheets.

A Brief Exploration of the Tumultuous Interdependence between The Rounge and the Animal Kingdom

The Rounge has, and forever will have, an inexplicable and inextricable link specific creatures in the majestic animal kingdom. Let's take a detailed look at a few of the highlights:

Pandas:
Pandas mean a lot to the Rounge, but I challenge any one member to explain why or how these majestic creatures came to such prominence. Long after the panda hunt came to a conclusion and all pandaganda efforts should have come to a close, the rounge is still visited by numerous pandas. Why?
Llamas:
Llamarama was, in my opinion, running through our veins long before the rounge was even formed. However it was Lupa, the great Llama Lover and Lorenzo Lamas fan, that turned his simple, unbridled love of llamas into something the rest of the rounge could really appreciate.

Cats:
I hate cats. Absolutely hatethem. I'm pretty sure Grimace does too. But I think we all love lolcats. Hence this picture.


I don't know how anyone could possibly comment on this post. That's a challenge.

Kentucky Fried Panda

POS-MENS!

Swear to God, buddy at GE sent me this email he got from "corporate."

Conversation Opportunities

October presents some great opportunities to buzz about GE holiday lights with your family and friends.

· Sitting around the dinner table with family and friends

· As everyone admires the Halloween decorations, talk about holiday lighting options

· When people start talking about how to save money at home

· Fall sporting events

From "30 Rock" - Jack:All you have to do as the writing staff of an NBC show is incorporate positive mentions, or 'POS-MENS' of GE products into your program. For example you could write an episode where one of your character purchases, and is satisfied with one of GE's direct current drilling motors for off-shore or land-based projects.

Are you kidding me, GE?!

PANDA WEEKEND...TIME TO GET LIT!!

Wishing the Rounge a happy and so drnk weekend...Lets discuss Happy Hour (to be followed up with official weekend rounge drink: bloody mary's (or oscars) tomorrow AM.

I will start off with a beer, immediately followed by a whiskey...immediately followed by 25 more whiskey's. KM Ratio ticking down to mid 80's!!

Rounge Weekend Drink of the Week

It's getting late into the year, the temperature is dropping and it's getting dark earlier. However, the rounge still parties late into the night, trying desperately to grasp on to the fleeting summer. We say keep your egg nogs, hot toddies and muddled ciders to yourself; we're still drinking cold beers on the patio and taking shots of CnP until 4 a.m.

Late-night partying often requires late-morning pick me ups. I propose that the bloody mary be this week's drink of the week; it's the perfect way to ward off Friday's hangover and begin a college-football packed Saturday afternoon, and it's a refreshing way to wind down on Sunday evening, while watching a chilling new episode of Dexter.

Internal Struggle

Does Mad Men provide me enough entertainment to outweigh how much it makes me want to KM? Consider this past week's episode.

Don basically goes to work late, closes a huge deal because he made a guy a good Old Fashioned, drinks whiskey all day, yells at a b*tch to shut the h*ll up, will probably eventually sleep with his daughter's hot school teacher, yells at his wife, gets f*cked up on some pills as any good Rounger does and that's about it.

Whose fictional TV life is better? Debate away. My candidates, off the top of my abnormally mollusk-like head:

- Eric from Entourage Season 2 - basically had no job, started sleeping with Sloan, got a free Maserati, made 500k for reading the Aquaman script.

- Aforementioned Don Draper

- Uncle Jesse from Full House - Aunt Becky, yes please. Plus a rocker's life. Probably doesn't pay rent.

Top Ten!!!

It's a tough economy, many of us need to find side jobs in order to make ends meet. Some dogs might take side jobs as pandas, and some pandas might take side jobs at investment banks. What are roungers doing on the side to make supplemental income?

10. Squid - Takes a part-time job as a dog walker. Fired after 3 days, but hey, it put food on the table.

Weekender- Because Pandas Don't Eat Onions, Except in a 2-Entree Plate of Kung Pao Chicken and Beijing Beef

Collected weekender magazine headlines from the ongoing e-mail series- for those lazy Sundays in the tree. Feel free to add.

Wednesday Roundy

In the mundane smalltalk and everyday discussions we partake in, or overhear, nearly everyday you hear someone ask someone else if they saw last night's episode of "So you think your fat kid can dance with talent for his idol while john and kate watch the bachelor?".

The other party either shows an exuberance he or she has never shown in your presence (after all, you're at work), has it dvr'd and asks that no one talk about it, or is a rounge member and tells the person asking to STFU cause I was out getting sh_thoused and raging it up, as you should be.

It is towards this end that I'd like to propose that everyone weigh in on the biggest television phenomon that you have absolutely no interest in and wouldn't watch even if the alternative is to never taste the ambrosia that is a Smuttynose Porter, or listen to the fine tunes of early 90's rap group Smif & Wessun, ever again.

For my money, I can't think of anything dumber, more dragged out, or less believable as the promos, hearsay, and teasers I see for Lost. Yes, there are cases to be made for all the reality crap on TV, but I'm led to believe that at least those people have self awareness that they are putting themselves out there to be ridiculed, or that at least the show knows they're exploiting them...and there's even some unintentional humor (how do you look at Ryan Seacrest and not laugh and think he's definitely the guy in your grade school that had a sticker collection?).

So, back to my contention. * = premise of show, @ = my commentary.

* Lost, as far as I can tell, is about people who survive a plane crash
@That, right there, is not believable. Who in the hell survives plane crashes? Karma even caught up to DJ AM.
* They are then stranded on a tropical island
@Wtf didnt' the plane just land on the beach then? and wtf happened to the black box? wouldn't they be found immediately? it's not the 1400's where you send conquistadores out to explore foreign lands. we have freaking satellites and sht.
* They are stranded on a tropical island after a plane crash and they don't kill the dark guy
@Look, I'm someone who gets racially profiled on planes all the time. Let's just say, in this situation, I know my fate. Be realistic, Lost.
* I guess I could get on board with this being a one season show about the trials and tribulations these people go through
@But as far as I can tell, this show has been on for approximately 19 seasons (I think the Simpsons are worried). Shouldn't the arc be: all leave on happy trip, plane crash, island survival, get rescued, go home?
* Next thing I know, there's some Monster chasing people around
@wtf, I thought this was about a plane crash? And if there's nothing on the island, wtf does the Monster eat? He was just hibernating waiting for a plane crash? Seriously, how did this last more than one season? and how does anyone have a freaking gun on the island? wouldn't that guy be suspect #2 (behind aforementioned bretheren) for guy responsible for plane crash? oh, and speaking of monsters on islands, Where the Wild Things Are looks mfking awesome.
* Last thing I heard before effectively lighting myself on fire, there's a G*ddamn Time Machine
@I don't even have the energy to address this ridiculousness. Monsters, Time Machines...KY ABC. Monsters and Time Machines?? on a show about a plane crash? isn't that like if they started working in Unicorns and Vampires in on Gossip Girl? Ok, those might actually be themes in Gossip Girl but I don't think anyone cares because of Blake Lively. Lost, get Blake Lively and I'm on board with Monsters and Time Machines. Till then, get out of my stupid face.

So that's my ridiculous televeision sensation I just cannot and never will get on board with.

Rounge, join me at the table :)

POOF. thanks Huevos

Redux

Ratings are down, so I thought we could install a semi-regular feature whereby people can post misc. comments that could have been replies to previous posts but were just thought of now. Because the problem with commenting in the old post is that nobody ever sees it.

TG and Queso, circa 2013

i think the bar for worst post ever has just been lowered. htf it only 3:00 on tuesday? smif.

Case of the Mondays

holy smif it's gonna be a rough week.

can we collectively come up with incentives to get us through? like a cng before the poofy weather comes in right in time for the weekend?

also, I propose matching aqua sweaters but all with different spins (tg - turtlenectk, lupa - sweater vest/sleeveless, dilla - argyle, changa - mock neck, squid - 6 arm slots, etc)...why? why not?

Top Ten: Random Pizza Toppings...

Came up briefly in that e-mail, I figured what the hell...

That's the Triple P: pepperoni, pat buchanan and parmagiana.

Rounge Gathering? Roo-2 on 9/24 at Giants Stadium

Helllll-ro. Any Rounge-arians want to see U2 tomorrow, Thursday, 24SEP2009? I have absolutely no tickets, no prospects for tickets, knowledge on start time, parking info, etc. I imagine that free market capitalism in the form of dollars will settle this. Don't make me be the creepy, nearly-30 dude jamming by himself like Michael Scott at an Alicia Keys concert.

EDUCATING QUESO

Good luck Queso, enjoy learning!!!

Michael Jackson's Penguin Dance

Leaked Jackson Penguin Clip

What the F? Jacko's final, signature move is The Penguin? A flightless bird is how Jacko wanted to go out on top? No ostrich? Emu? Kiwi?

I kinda miss Jacko b/c his psychoses made me feel so much saner. Alrighty, gotta go put some Cleaning, Lubricating, Preventative (CLP) on my guns. This humidity is a fertile breeding ground for rust. Rust kills guns. Guns kill people. Rust doesn't kill people....except in large doses.

Caption Contest

What urgent message is Mark Whitacre (Matt Damon) relaying?
(click pic for widescreen shot)

Top Ten Archive

14:01:39 QUESO : top ten inappropriate question lupa asks on a school tour?
14:01:39 LUPA FIASCO : rater
14:01:45 LUPA FIASCO : ok
14:01:47 LUPA FIASCO : I'll wait
14:01:53 LUPA FIASCO : quickly please
14:01:59 LUPA FIASCO : 10. Where's the bar
14:02:01 CHANGA : rater
14:06:27 DILLA : 9. Does the PTA newsletter have personals?
14:06:52 CHANGA : 8.are the teachers 18 and over?
14:07:41 DILLA : 7. Do you have any openings for a pet snake?
14:09:22 TACO GRANDE : 6. How do I sign up for the reading classes?
14:10:54 CHANGA : 5.do u offer pig latin as part of ur curriculum?
14:11:01 DILLA : 4. I was pre-med at OSU, wanna play doctor?
14:11:20 CHANGA : 3.do u offer ebonics as part of ur curriculum?
14:12:22 QUESO : 2. "________ snake _____ pants?"
14:13:28 DILLA : 1. Once my kid gets in here i am done with my wife, what do you say i get your #??
14:15:38 QUESO : and lupa's 10 doesn't count. 10. How can I get Ryan into the accelerated GED program?
14:17:19 TACO GRANDE : when top tens hit 1 but there are worthy followups, you can go into negative territory
14:19:40 QUESO : do you have a 0 or 1?
14:19:47 QUESO : -1 rather
14:20:12 TACO GRANDE : 0. Where's the little boys room?
14:21:13 QUESO : -1. can we implement a 'must wear school girl outfit rule' for everyone?
14:24:07 CHANGA : -2. did u say there's an opening for coach of the girls gymnastics team?

Original Rounge Top Ten Archive

10:35:26 QUESO : top ten names of tg's friends that he hasn't told us yet:
10:35:29 QUESO : 10. anteater
10:35:45 DILLA : mudskipper
10:35:49 DILLA : *9.
10:36:38 QUESO : 8. Friday
10:37:01 *** LUPA rang the bell
10:37:01 *** LUPA rang the bell
10:37:01 *** LUPA rang the bell
10:37:01 *** LUPA rang the bell
10:37:01 *** LUPA rang the bell
10:37:01 *** LUPA rang the bell
10:37:02 *** LUPA rang the bell
10:37:02 *** LUPA rang the bell
10:37:06 LUPA : well said Queso
10:37:52 TACO GRANDE : 7. French Fry
10:38:28 CHANGA : 7. nutella
10:38:39 CHANGA : 6.*
10:38:47 DILLA : 5. Mufasa
10:39:35 CHANGA : 4. tyrone
10:39:54 TACO GRANDE : 3. Jigglypuff
10:40:18 CHANGA : carrot top
10:40:21 CHANGA : 2.
10:40:42 DILLA : 1. Burrito Supreme
10:41:18 LUPA : 0. Taco not-so-grande
10:41:36 DILLA : erin interviews aunt jemima (sic)
10:41:41 LUPA : lol
10:41:44 *** LUPA rang the bell
10:41:44 *** LUPA rang the bell
10:41:44 *** LUPA rang the bell
10:41:44 *** LUPA rang the bell
10:41:51 *** CHANGA rang the bell
10:42:08 DILLA : and how is the recession effecting bfast globally??
10:42:15 CHANGA : color on the syrup demand and pancake business
10:42:21 *** LUPA rang the bell
10:42:21 *** LUPA rang the bell
10:42:21 *** LUPA rang the bell
10:42:22 *** LUPA rang the bell
10:42:22 *** LUPA rang the bell
10:42:23 *** LUPA rang the bell
10:46:06 QUESO : -1. stay puft

MacTemps Case Analysis [redacted]

[redacted]

Who wants a mustache ride?

My God, my God almighty. Look at this man's mustache. Look at the redneck over the Governor's left shoulder. I have difficulty hazarding whose is worse. Did one of Paterson's aides tell him that that's the style? Is this a multi-year trick on the man? To channel Erasmus, in the land of the seeing, the blind man is king.

Find mustaches that are worse, Rounge-o-philes. Go!

Rounge Weekend Drink

WTF is it? I want something, but I'm not sure what. I have some Harpoon Oktoberfests, but what else is there? Something strong, but don't want to be knocked out after one. Thoughts? Moby?

Alas, tomorrow is once again talk like a pirate day. Anyone up for a CNG and see what crawls out of yee old bung hole. Arrgghhh!!!

A Dead Horse Worth Beating?

Joel Waul of Florida presents the largest rubber band ball, weighing 9,032 pounds.

Update: World Record BROKEN

Anthony Victor of India has hair measuring 7.12 inches sprouting from the center of his outer ears.

Awesomeness...Is It Too Awesome?

TG and I were just discussing...was the awesomeness that was Lehman Brothers ruin work life for us for the rest of our lives? Will our lives suck cause we know we'll never be in a place as cool/fun/mfking cash money as LEHMQ? Are we just masking our lives hoping that where we are will make us something we are not?

It's like having sx with Kate Beckinsale, it's all down hill from there, isn't it? The only salvation is the hope of the next Powerball drawing enabling me to race Dilla in our respective yachts to Turks and Caicos.

Also, non sequitur top ten: Most heinous common to semi-common female names:

10) Louise

TOP TEN!!!

Top Ten things the Lehman Brothers would have spent the money on had they received a capital infusion 1 year ago:

10) Intricately packaged Panda Backed Securities (PBS) to sell to China in exchange for new fully fungible Panda Currency

RONG RIVE REHMAN!!!!

Happy Anniversary, Shoguns. Special shout out to Dick "The Tortilla" Fuld, the most famous TBL member. TBL LIVES FOREVERRRRRRR.

We will get through this together.

Wollllllllverines!!!

Swayze is dead. This is ever so profoundly saddening. Hopefully as the cancer progressed through his body like a Chinese human wave attack, he was able to film a cameo for the upcoming Red Dawn remake. Hail and farewell. In the words of your movie father, "AVENGE ME, BOYS. AAAAVVVVVENNNNGE ME!"

WELCOME BACK TO WORK CHANGE!!!

Would like to point out Changa's lucky penguin on top of his monitor as well as his 'Day Trading for Dummys' which has been reincarnated as a booster seat to give him the perfect angle to price some risk.

YOU LIE!!!

Let's face it - you and me are all a bunch of fking rejects. If we were sitting down during one of those incredibly painful, holier-than-thou sanctimonius bullsht speeches from our President, one of us would break down and yell something stupid. So instead of judging that guy who's name is not worth googling again, let's try and empathize with him.

TOP TEN OUTBURSTS FROM ROUNGETABLE MEMBERS AT CRITICAL MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESS

10. Squid, in high pitch voice with pre-laughter threatening to break down the whole statement: "That's what SHE said!!!"

KY immediately

STFU and GKY Tila T. and Brett Favre. Also ky Melanie Oudin, be better next time. Anyone else I'm forgetting?

HTF.

As I stare listfully off into the distance, I can't help but wonder HTF it's only Thursday? And wonder HTF I'm going to get drunk tonight? And HTF I'm going to get to work tomorrow past all the 9/11 ceremonies. And HTF I'm gonna stop myself from drilling some conspiracy theorist (I'm looking at you, Charlie Sheen...Two and a Half Men ain't good enough to allow you to be so moronic, go to Scientology with the rest of the jiggy celebrities).

Honestly, KM. HTF can I do this for years to come? Can SOMEONE win the lottery and/or come up with a zillion dollar idea so me and Dilla can race yachts? is that too much to ask?

I officially call for movie script idea generation. HTF can we not get rich with this brain power/hilarity? HTF?

Roungorico?!

Time for the first ever Rounge trip (Rip?)?
Roungorico or Rounge Republic? Set new so drnk records? Cats playing with Dogs? KM?
Would make for great fodder to add to the Rounge video montage.

Who's coming and where are we going? I don't care as long as we up the panda quotient and get weird with each other.

Other places to consider: Bronx Zoo, TG's Patio, Costa Rica, Chile, Huevos' 1 bedroom in Chi-town, Grimace's trailer in Mizzou, and Ricardo's battle shelter (free guns).