I hide no feelings about my love of chocolate. It could be my skin tone that has helped me develop this particular affinity, but then wouldn't I want my food to be really big and attractive? Wait, that makes sense too. Ok, so yeah, I like my food like me: Spicy, hot, potent, and usually hilarious.
Back to the point, chocolate is awesome and kill yourself if you're allergic. it goes on damn near anything (except sour patch kids). Cheese? check. Nuts? check. Bacon? Tell me you wouldn't try it. Hell, it's even good on a banana. And god help you if you haven't tried the hot chocolate at Godiva.
Basically, don't do anything stupid with chocolate and you will be rewarded with a wonderful sensation in your mouth and general happiness in life.
That brings us to the nefarious people at Nestle, who decided that their delicious products of which no one had found fault, needed to be expanded on. They invented the Raisinet, which to me is like inventing Ice-9. And the populists today have the chutspa to say WALL STREET SEEKS EXCESS? At least at Lehman we wrapped up crappy mortgages with other crappy mortgages. Nestle made you think that hey, this looks chocolatey, it must be awesome...and BAM, in your stupid face is a mfking RAISIN!
If someone asked me what's the worst food in the world, I would immediately, and without hesitation, reply "raisin". no, I'd say "MFKING RAISINS" and I'd immediately puke then punch you in the stupid face for making me think about them. And movie theatres have decided to ubiquitously place them in their theatres and charge money for them when they really should be placed next to the defibrilator for use of stomach pumping. And god forbid you go with someone else and you have Goobers (which are awesome) and they have Raisinets and you get mixed up. Oh, and the look like rabbit feces.
How could one candy be so bad? How could they ruin chocolate, Ambrosia's ambrosia? I'd dive into a chocolate volcano if I could, but now i'd have reservations because what if raisins where in there?
Raisinets are the Sarah Jessica Parker of Candy. Yeah, I said it. Eat it, horsefaces.
What's your least favorite candy bar?
Good N Plenty - these are like Mike n Ike, except that they taste like feces.
ReplyDeleteCandy corn - i think these actually taste ok, but after about 10 of them, i normally feel like vomiting. rage call.
Necco wafers - i can't write a coherent sentence about how bad these are. just indescribable.
You, sir, are an idiot.
ReplyDeleteRaisinets are (second to the heavenly Skor bar) God's gift to man, sent from above to redeem humanity and succeed where Jesus failed. Without Raisinets, the world would be an ugly place, full of war and strife, goblins and fire-breathing dragons. Raisinets have made believers of us all. Since the delicious, rabbit-feces-resembling little pebbles of gold were introduced in 1927, have we had a SINGLE world war motivated solely by religion? We haven't! This is no coincidence.
Also, Raisinets are healthy, unlike regular chocolate. The nature of the mysterious raisin (few know that the raisin is actually a dried out grape) is that it offsets the evil humours trying to enter our body via chocolate while disgusing itself as an innocuous little drop of rabbit feces. In fact, if you look at the Rasinets wrappers, you'll note that Raisinets have 40% less fat than something else unspecified. You don't see that label on plain chocolate, do you?
And finally, plain chocolate, especially in bar form, just melts sloppily in your hand and is no joy to eat. Raisinets, in their rabbit-feces-mimicking glory, are a delight to eat and never melt in your hands due to the perfect chocolate:non-chocolate ratio.
They used to make Heath Bites, which were pretty good too. You think we can make Skor bites, get rch, race yachts/pandas?
I agree with some of Squid's choices:
ReplyDelete-Good 'N Plenty: Disgusting, vile, anise-flavored candy. Who in the world likes liquorice-flavored candy? No one, that's who. It is neither savory nor sweet. The makers of Good 'N Plenty try to pull the wool over our eyes by disguising liquorice sticks in those little pills of vomit-inducing torture, but we're not buying it. In fact, can you even buy liquorice sticks anymore? Those ingenious basterds over at Hersheys decided to dye the traditional twisty sticks red, remove the liquorice flavor and pump in some artificial strawberry flavor - great call, Twizzlers are awesome. I'm not completely unfamiliar or adverse to ingesting a product with the word "liqour" in its name, and it causing me to boot violently, but when I do so I at least want to know that I'm getting so drnk.
-Candy corn is like a gumball that sticks to the top of your teeth and is made out of sugar, cardboard, and nothing else. The fact that it is so synonymous with Halloween almost makes me want to boycott that holiday in entirely. Almost.
-Hard candies generally suck due to me being impatient and wanting to eat the fking thing already. I'm specifically looking at you, Green Apple Jolly Rancher. There was nothing worse than receiving a goody bag at the end of some kid's birthday party, checking out the goods and discovering that I got shafted with 3 green apple jolly ranchers, and zero grape, strawberry or cherry flavor. One of the biggest poofs imaginable. You have to trade two green apples just to get one of the cinnamon kind, and that kind is awful, too.
-Cinnamon candy sucks in that I feel like I'm biting into a habenero pepper when I eat it, but certain variances like Hot Tamales and Big Red Gum are not wholly unholy. Just not very good, either.
Snickers + Cola is probably the greatest combination ever, and PayDays might be the most underrated candy bar.
I would actually argue that Raisinets benefitted some poor children (not me, I usually had open access to the snack cabinet) whose parents would not normally have allowed Chocolate in of itself, but were persuaded by this 1950s-nutrition belief that raisins were a "Superfood" (in the parlance of our times) and that if they could get their children to eat raisins, it was worth it. Hahaha... little did they know you could carefully bite off the chocolate and discard the wrinkled grape.
ReplyDeleteAmong other 1950s superfoods, I would like to point out liver. What the hell is liver?
Back to candy...Necco has a special place in my heart as the New England Confectionary Company. But yeah, they're god-awful. Just really, really dry. Like baseball-card chewing gum dry. I agree on all forms of hard candies. What's up with people always having peppermints on hand? Those are awful. I am also not a fan of "string candies"- cowtales, twizzlers, red vines. They're just boring and/or lack the impact they should provide.
Number 1 by far: 100 Grand.
On pure name alone, I'd like to include all of the former Sperry Candy Company/and its acquirer Pearson's Candy for names like the following:
ReplyDeleteBun Bars
Flurries
Mint Patties
Nut Goodie
Salted Roll Nut
Seven Up Bar
Chicken Dinner Bar
Cold Turkey
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pearson's_Candy_Company#Discontinued_products
On a completely unrelated topic the Seven Up Bar reminds me of those chews that had liquid soda (7-Up, Dr. Pepper, etc.) inside of them. Not good.
Queso: in your picture, the baby is eating cranberry raisinets (or, as they should be called, 'craisinets'). Now, I steadfastly believe fruit should never be mixed with dessert (no strawberries on cheesecake, etc.)- they are two separate and distinct courses in a meal: after the main course comes dessert and coffee, then fruit, then cheese, then brandy, but, anyway, I was wondering if your ire also extended to craisinets, since it does not involve raisins but instead their smarter, cooler California cousin the craisin (let's face it, the raisin is forever a Detroit native after its Motown gig)
ReplyDeleteHuevos,
ReplyDeleteWhile I don't agree with what you say, I will defend with my life your right to say it.
Dessert can include fruit (chocolate covered strawberries are fantastic), and fruits' sweetness puts it towards the end of the meal. I don't know where else you'd put it. It certainly doesn't go with salad (and all you poofs that enjoy salad, well, you're a poof). poof. Also, I think you can put cheese at any point in a meal as well, it certainly has the versatility to bat cleanup. We can all agree on one thing, as long as you're getting so drnk, you're doing it right.
I'm out on the craisin, craisinet, anything with aisin or aisinet in it. and Clay Aiken.
However, I do enjoy cranberry juice.
whatchamacallit and toffifay are deserving of mention in some of the great bars of all time. In particular, I fancy the latter for the delectable combination of chocolate, hard caramel and hazelnut in an appealing rounded bite size shape. The squeeze and pop out plastic packaging is mucho fun too!
ReplyDelete